


Diary

by tomorrowsthe16th



Category: Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
Genre: Gen, Unrequited Love, general silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 18:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6481630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomorrowsthe16th/pseuds/tomorrowsthe16th
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Milo pays Orr to steal Yossarian's diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diary

**Author's Note:**

> honestly this fic is just a huge joke but i hope you enjoy it.

Lunch hour was always busy for Milo. Then again, Milo was a very busy man as is. Nonetheless, when Yossarian came to get his lunch, Milo didn’t have the time to ask Yossarian about the book he was holding. Milo did, however, keep an eye on Yossarian as he sat down at the table and starting scribbling something in his book. Milo assumed it must have been some kind of notebook, or a sketchbook, or maybe-

“It’s my diary Milo,” Yossarian explained after Milo confronted him about it hours later, which was more like Milo looking over Yossarian’s shoulders as he wrote, and Yossarian holding the diary to his chest whenever Milo was trying to take a peak. After a while Yossarian just got tired of it.

In retrospect that seemed a bit obvious, but Milo still didn’t even consider it until just then. Still Milo wanted to take a peak. He was curious about what secrets about Yossarian lay in the pages.

Of course Milo wasn’t listening to Yossarian as he waved the book around and ranted about how it was private information. Instead, he tried to grab the flailing about diary, only to fall flat on his face when Yossarian yanked it away.

“Weren’t you listening? This stuff is _private_ ,” Yossarian scolded before walking back to his tent, stepping on Milo’s back as he left.

Of course, Milo had not been listening. In fact, Milo was still not listening and had learned literally nothing from this. He was instead hatching up a plan to steal Yossarian’s diary. Yes! This would work! He’d follow through immediately.

Or, at least immediately after he went to see Doc Daneeka. His back was killing him.

* * *

As it turned out, coming to Orr for help was a lot more difficult than it sounded in his head. Oh boy, was Orr ever curious….

“Why?” Orr asked.

“Because if you do I’ll give you a discount at the mess hall for the next week.” Milo thought that was a fair deal for Orr’s services.

“That’s not what I meant,” Orr said. “Why do you want Yossarian’s diary?”

“I want to see what’s inside.”

“Why?”

“I want to know if he wrote anything about me.”

“Why?”

“Well who wouldn’t?”

“I wouldn’t.”

Neither of them spoke for a few seconds.

“You never answered my question.”

“What question?”

“Why do you want to know what Yossarian wrote about you?”

Milo was starting to get frustrated. “Is that any of your business?”

“I’d think so if I’m stealing his diary for you,” Orr grinned.

Milo grumbled. He was fucking right. Still, he wasn’t in the mood to confess his unconditional adoration of Yossarian to anyone right now. Especially not this little asshole.

“Okay how about this,” Milo haggled, his face slightly red. “I’ll give you a discount at the mess hall for the next _month_ if we stop all discussion here.”

Orr thought it over. “Deal.”

The two shook hands on it, and the plan was underway.

It wasn’t too hard to get Yossarian’s diary from him. All Orr had to do was pull it out from under the pillow while Yossarian was asleep. Of course, there was always the threat of getting caught, and if that happened, Yossarian definitely would have slaughtered him. Orr decided that it was worth the risk. He saw something poking out from under a corner of Yossarian’s pillow, and assuming it was the diary pulled it out from under its hiding place. Yossarian didn’t notice a thing, instead opting to roll onto his stomach in his sleep.

Orr, knowing it was all downhill at this point, ran off to find Milo, but crashed into something just outside his tent that happened to be Milo.

Milo, pleased that his hired work did a good job, did what any great employer would do. He nabbed the book and ran off without a single thank you.

* * *

Milo could have sworn that his heart was going to pound right out of his chest as he sat underneath his blankets holding a flashlight in one hand and Yossarian’s diary in the other. Gosh the suspense was too much! He had to open it now!

So he did.

Milo, being a man who honored privacy, _obviously_ , only skimmed the diary looking for his name. Honestly, what little he did notice that wasn’t about him was pretty gruesome. There wasn’t a single entry Milo saw that didn’t at least have a sentence about how Yossarian wanted to kill someone. Milo was starting to regret this. There was very little about him so far. Nothing much other than a recap of events that transpired between the two of them, and perhaps a compliment or two, but there was nothing emotional. Nothing heartfelt. Still, Milo had hope there would be _something_ eventually.

Milo turned the page and almost turned white.

The next two pages were full of hearts and little doodles of Yossarian and… the chaplain?! Really? Of all the people Yossarian could have liked…. him? What did he have that Milo didn’t? Milo was rich too! He had a whole damn syndicate and business was booming! Then again, that didn’t seem to impress Yossarian. Milo was heartbroken, and as heartbroken young men are oft to do, he paced around upset until someone woke up that he could complain to.

Sadly for McWatt, who had woken up early that morning, that would have been him.

“McWatt, can you keep a secret? Actually probably not. Who cares I’m distraught,” Milo said before McWatt could even get a word in.

And then Milo proceeded to rant unintelligibly about the whole thing to McWatt, who just stood and stared. Milo want on about how bad things shouldn’t happen to rich people and how he had faith in a higher power too (his just happened to be Andrew Carnegie) and a bunch of other stuff McWatt didn’t understand. McWatt didn’t mind too much though. He really liked Milo and wished he knew what Milo was talking about enough to help.

“…AND I WAS GONNA MAKE SEA WORLD,” Milo continued blubbering, moving his hands about all over the place. “SEA FUCKING WORLD. And… and… we were going to go to Sea World together….”

“I could go to Sea World with you,” McWatt offered.

Milo stood completely still for a moment, looking McWatt in the eyes with an unreadable look on his face. “McWatt, can you think of someone other than yourself **_for_ _once in your_ _life_**?”

“Oh! Sorry,” McWatt quickly changed the subject. “It’s awfully chilly out this morning. Were you out here all night?”

Milo didn’t answer. He just smiled a very eerie smile and walked off. A lightbulb had gone off in his brain and he was going to act on it.

* * *

Yossarian was half-asleep, his arm searching under his pillow for his diary. When he couldn’t find it, he snapped awake and took the pillow off the cot. Nothing.

“Orr, have you seen my diary?” Yossarian asked.

Orr shrugged, hoping Yossarian wouldn’t notice the discounts he was getting at the mess hall for the next month.

Yossarian starting looking around the tent, but found no sign of it. He was starting to panic. He probably just left it somewhere is all.

Yossarian left the tent to retrace his steps when he saw Milo warming himself up by a comically large fire a little ways away. He ran over that way, because while he wouldn’t have lost it over in plain sight, he didn’t trust Milo one bit.

“Hey Milo, have you seen my-” Yossarian stopped and stared at the fire. He swore he saw something in it. In any case, Milo by a fire this big spelled trouble.

Yossarian looked at Milo, who just looked back and smiled.


End file.
